I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
