The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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