I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
