I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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