Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
