you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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