Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize