My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
