I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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