shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
