every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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