we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize