Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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