My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Randomize
