Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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