We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
