You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
