Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
