I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
