so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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