id be glad to
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
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