I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
