I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
