Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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