Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
