Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
