In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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