its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
