I faked an abortion last night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
