either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
