Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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