I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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