The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
