I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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