Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
