I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
