Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
