hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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