So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
