Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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