hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
