i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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