Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
