cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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