I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
