she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
