Cold hands, warm shart.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
