please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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