Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
