Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
