i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
