It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
