my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
