My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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