A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
